hmmmmmmmmmm
i've been thinking alot lately. about everything.
i've been really depressed. have had moments that i have seriously wanted to throw in the towel & scream out the last of the last. i've wanted to give up or run away.
i can't run away anymore. i just can't. i need to start facing this POISON that is deeply encapsulated in my soul.
i'm rated h.
i have so much hatred & hurt & heartache. i've been hoodwinked. i'm in the throws of hard knocks.
i'd love to say i'm "hunkydory" - or however it is spelled. but i honestly can not.
i wear my smile on my face. i put up a brave front so people don't have to see my sadness & despair.
i need to start doing my MPs (i have gotten myself into such a rut of despair that I have neglected my own healing process).
i keep replaying the times back in my head. i get sick. i feel sick. i am sick.
how much can i post on a social network that won't end up adding up to more demise? i feel like if i was to just get all of *this* out of me, i would feel relieved. exhausted on many levels, but relieved overall.
and perhaps someone else could be helped because they would not feel so alone.
i've felt so alone.
i think part of my problem also, is that i isolate.
i feel this heartache, hate & hurt & i turn help away. i make myself helpless. hapless. never happy. just painted happy on the outside.
moments of happy happen. for that i am grateful. but i keep returning to the playbacks of what went dreadfully wrong.
i remember specific times that i had lost control of the situations that had seemed pretty harmless & carefree. then all of a sudden they turned into these times of terror.
pushed into the floor.
stop.
dress lifted off.
stop.
shirt ripped off.
stop.
window kicked in.
stop.
face shoved down.
stop.
hands tied up.
stop.
.............................................
blackouts.
blackouts.
blackouts.
blackouts.
numb.
ugly. never good enough. can't look at my own reflection without wanting to die. ugly. clearance rack girl. never good enough for anyone other than a bargain hunter who wants a better deal for finding an extra rip or tear. marking it up a bit more before checking out. make it cheaper. better deal. ugly. discarded. back of the closet. no one wants it anyways. trash.
goodgirl bad.
misunderstood.
sick & sad. painted pretty.
i can't take a compliment gracefully. sometimes i get rageful when i hear nice things said about me. i want to tear at my flesh & scream. i have to get this poison out.
i don't want to run away to be numb anymore. i want to cut out this poison. i want to free myself from these demons of my past. i want to learn to forgive. maybe i will never forget, but i want to be able to forgive myself. i need to start loving myself. i have to heal.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
8 comments:
I wrote this July 2010. I had just endured a week that I never thought I would have to go through. I am revisiting the demons I have faced, and relieved I am not in that dark place any longer. I hope never to return to that place.
That's most definitely a scary place to be. It's those feelings...all of that... that's the kind of darkness that used to lead me to cut.
*hugs you tight*
Hugs back!! yeah. I have to write about THAT piece sooner than later. composing it. how i want to write it. i actually was in this dark place for a big chunk of 2010... and i did cut. the scars are finally starting to disappear. i had to wear long sleeves for a long time to cover up the damage i did to myself....
I will rate this "H" for hope! There is hope for the broken pieces to be knit into a beautiful mosaic. I will have hope enough until you can see it too.
And here's an "H" for hugs!
I second that thread of hope.
Stand in the Light, recharge that beautiful you.
I look forward to following the blog this summer while out of town.
Hugs, Melissa
Tammy- Thanks so much!! <3 Hugs back & I look forward to getting & giving lots of HUGS when I come to visit sometime this summer!! <3
Mel- Thanks so much! I am experiencing hope through writing. OMG- how CATHARTIC!!! <3 I am also starting to forgive those who have hurt me.... including myself... I look forward to staying in touch while you are across the world! <3
Hugs back to you too, and THANK YOU FROM THE DEPTHS of my HEART for encouraging me to WRITE!! <3
ah forgiveness again :-) just came from reading the june 20th post. that woman was talking about forgiveness from a certain framework, but maybe the universe was reminding you about what you already are working on in your own way. in my experience, such affirmations of what we're working out come from unexpected moments that are easy to misconstrue with someone else's intention.
Mel- you are so wise! thank you so much for your words to help me not continue in anger, but to hopefully find peace & continue to forgive those who have wronged me.... <3
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